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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

No holding back

After a heart pouring conversation about one of my children to my friend, Amber, she said to me that it seems I'm holding back a lot on my blog. I nodded, smiled, and then felt tears swell in my eyes. It felt good to connect with another mom who could sense my frustration and understood my heart. I never wanted this blog to appear as if I have it all together, because that is surely a lie. However, I've stayed away from writing about my personal struggles only because I am not comfortable sharing my private life with strangers. I'm not one that really thrives on advice about personal issues from online readers (stack that up to pride, maybe?). I'd rather share my struggles and praises with close friends who know me well and whom I trust will point me to the gospel.

I've been hesitating to blog about this because of the reasons I stated above....but, there's no harm in sharing my hardships, my need for prayers, my daily need for Jesus, and everyday struggles as a mom. I'm real and I'll admit that I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.

You see, I have three MAGNIFICENT children...three precious gifts that God has given to us. They each have their own personality but they all have one thing in common....sin. My husband and I strive to root our discipline in the gospel so the children know that their poor choices and disobedience is a heart issue, not a behavior issue. BUT, what is a mom to do when all of her options for discipline have been used and none found to be effective?

I think that there are spaces in time where one child might be more difficult than another. It might be due to age or a sudden life change...or simply because they are growing into big boys and girls. Right now, I'm troubled over the actions of one child specifically and, after much time of consistent discipline, I see no change. I cry as I type this because I love this sweet child with all my heart and I only want the kid to be kind, gentle, faithful, obedient, and loving. Sometimes I catch moments of initiated affection toward a sibling but, as is normal toddler behavior, violence erupts just ten seconds later over the battle of a toy, a wrong look, or my order of '"no". I KNOW THAT THIS IS NORMAL! YES, I KNOW. But that doesn't mean that it's easy to watch and deal with. I'm exhausted.

God pursues me because he loves me. Therefore, I must, and want, to also pursue my child's heart. I must press on and continue showering this child with the love of Christ. But....can I just be honest?'s hard.

Lord, please keep reminding me that your way doesn't come naturally to the human heart. Bring to my mind the fruits of the Spirit so that my child will see Jesus in me. Remind me that you are constantly at work in the hearts of my children and in mine. I'm the worst sinner of them all.


Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing, Jawan.

I am in the midst of struggling with some behavior issues here too. Like you said, I love both of my girls with all my heart. I really do. That is why I want the best for them. That is why I want to instill values, morals and manners into them. It's so hard sometimes to feel like you have to be "the warden" all the time. I understand all too well.

Anyway.I doubt I am making much sense, but from one mom to another I wanted you to know I appreciate you and I am with you too.


Shea said...

Thanks for the encouragement of you sharing your heart!

Melissa said...

Thanks for that, Jawan. It's so tiring, I know! Sometimes I watch people w/ their kids and wonder if they are having the same issues w/ that I'm having. It's hard even admitting to myself sometimes that it's as hard as it is! This is what I've always wanted, to be a mother. So why is it so hard!

If I were there, I'd treat you to a latte w/ a triple shot of espresso to take on the day:)!!!

Laura said...

Your post is very encouraging. We all struggle.

~Mad said...

Love you, Jawan!
I remember when I came to know Christ and realized I didn't (and wasn't supposed to) have it all together....such a relief.

Up until that point "having it all together" was my description of me.

Probably the best of my testimony.


Leeser said...

Hi Jawan,

I appreciate your honesty! :) And I can totally relate. I'm sorry you're having these problems with your child. Being a mommy is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. And it's easy to compare myself to others who seem to have it all together.

So, from one mommy to another, I'm glad you don't have it all together, because neither do I. :) You are definitely not alone! Just keep doing what's right. Your patience and discipline will pay off.

BKicklighter said...

Jawan - I feel ya and I love ya. - Becky

The Zevacs said...

jawan...we shouldget together for coffee. :)

i struggle with this every day....every single day. my little man has had the will of a hundred men since the day he was born. it is exhausting, SO hard, embarrassing...and i understand the longings for a kind and gentle-spirited child...thanks for your honesty and the reminder that my heart is ultimately no different than my son's.